Honne & Tatemae: One's True Feelings vs. Public Behavior - Japanese

On cultural differences, which can be quite sharp at times, and questioning accepted norms

Last week was a unique and wonderful week for Words of the World and for me as a writer. After

Jillian Hess

, writer of Noted, one of my favorite newsletters, shared my post on Moledro—I'm so grateful to her—my readership and subscribers increased significantly. I can't tell you enough how happy this makes me.

On the other hand, probably one of the biggest concerns of every writer is meeting the readers’ expectations, and I spent the whole week trying to find the best word in the world, which is impossible. I traveled from East to West, from Africa to Antarctica; I visited everywhere; I wrote drafts; I struggled a lot; and finally, I docked my boat on a shore I know and love: Japan.

After this introduction, which is necessary for me and hopefully meaningful for the majority of my readers, we will move on to this week's concept. This week, I am here with not one, but two words as a result of much thought and effort. These are actually complementary concepts.

Honne and tatemae.

Photo by Keenan Constance on Unsplash

In general, we aim to behave to demonstrate our genuine feelings about someone or something because we want to be honest and transparent in our relationships. We don't pretend to like someone we don't like; on the contrary, we avoid doing so because it sounds hypocritical. Because in our viewpoint, being honest necessitates being transparent.

But the world isn't that simple, and this isn't the appropriate human behavior that every culture teaches, particularly in Japanese culture, which is unlike any other culture on the planet and, in my opinion, the most distinct. There is something about them that sets them apart from the rest of the world in almost every way.

In Japanese culture, what we think about a person or an issue is one thing; how we act publicly about that person or issue is quite another. The sincere feelings we keep to ourselves are known as honne, while the ones we show in public are known as tatemae. It is generally accepted that these two can and should be kept separate. The Japanese are aware of and accept this phenomenon.

Quite surprising?

To be honest, I wasn't surprised when I first learned about this distinction. It is natural, often necessary, and valued not to show one's true feelings outwardly in all eastern cultures, not just in Japan. We noticed this while thinking about the Persian word Taarof.

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In Eastern cultures, everything inside us is considered private. What we carry within us is our unseen world, and there appears to be a reason why the unseen is unseen. It's almost as if it should be kept private and only revealed when and how it's required. The unseen world should stay naive and private.

Meanwhile, social rules are sharply visible in eastern cultures. When you're in public, you usually don’t behave as you really feel. Because it is not appropriate. Instead, it matters most that you behave "as you should." Following the rules and staying within the limits set. These rules make up a large part of a child's upbringing. As a child, if you follow the rules, you will keep away from trouble, and your excellent behavior will be held up as an example to other children. If you disregard social rules, you will inevitable find yourself in trouble. You are not permitted to behave as you wish.

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I believe that it is always better to be clear and direct. Saying it openly instead of implying it, expressing our wishes clearly instead of waiting for the other person to understand us, saying that we don't like someone instead of pretending if we don't like them. These are both easier and more comfortable. But as someone who grew up in an Eastern culture, I can't say that I can do all of these things with a clear sense of openness. There are tons of things inside me that I want to keep closed. Even if I am angry with someone, I often avoid expressing it openly. I have to do a lot of things that I don't want to do.

Cultural differences exist. This is just one of thousands of things in the world that we are trying to understand. Differences between people have existed since the beginning of time, and they will continue to live.

The game-changer is to recognize what is different and to be willing to take a step towards understanding it. That step can change many things.

Notes & Reads:

This week I’m bringing more classical pieces.

Green Book is an important movie about a person's acceptance in society despite differences from the "accepted normal." The film is about an Afro-American pianist's tour of the United States' southern states in the 1960s. It's difficult for an Afro-American to walk around freely, so he hires an Italian-American man to be his driver and bodyguard. The story makes us question our "accepted norms," both now and in the future.

Anna Karenina by Lev Tolstoy is the first book that came to mind when I thought of social rules and individuals pain. It’s one of the best novels in world literature, and it really deserves that title. If you haven’t read it yet, make this post a reminder to give it a try. The novel is mainly the story of a married woman’s love affair. She is well known in society but dissatisfied with her life and marriage. So she finds freedom and love in another man, but things don’t seem to go as planned.

Have a great week and weekend.

Till next week,

— Gulsun

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